Kulang Sa Pansin

Three days before my birthday and I find myself crying in front of my work computer at around 7 in the morning. I just read the post of my friend in his Facebook account, saying goodbye to his dad who recently died. Somehow, I just cried. Not because of his grief alone but because of my own sadness. I didn’t know when it started. I wasn’t looking forward for my birthday for the first time. This is really wrong.

i looked at them
and my heart skipped a beat

their smile was bright
a poison to my soul

i wish them to be happy
but hate myself for doing so

glanced at them for the last time
could not bare to look again

as i step futher away
suddenly my steps were heavier

my vision got blurry
and i was out of breath

i knew was never the one
but still hoped that i could be her

heart that was crushed
friendship that was scarred
only those was left of me

It has been a year since I last posted in this blog. I missed it.
Writing in here feels like I am talking to myself.

Not a thing I planned for this year is happening. It seems that fate has another road for me.
Very different from what I hope it to be.
I am not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing.

I really want to study this year but I did not pass both law schools. Unfortunately for me.
I want to travel abroad. Even if I have the money, I would be so thoughtless if I do that since my dad lost his job in an African war. I have to use my money more wisely. And besides, the people I want to go with, decided that we should do an out-of-town trip instead. Less expenses, hopefully the same amount of fun. I think it would be.
My sister hasn’t found a job yet and I might move to a dorm if she doesn’t get a job soon. She will have to return to our hometown and I will be alone.
I want to get a new job. A job that really fits me. Why would I have a double degree to just have this job? I want to be somewhere I belong. I want to get a higher paying job to help my family. The sudden turn of events have also changed my priorities. Before, my parents are still helping me, I think this time, I have to help them instead.

I am afraid of what will happen in the future. No, not afraid, just anxious. I know there’s something out there for me, I just don’t know what it is and when it will come.
Waiting is really hard. So hard for me. I’m an impatient person.
But I guess we all have to learn things we don’t like.
Now, I’m at my crossroads, several paths are visible but it is still foggy enough that I can’t see where they are leading. I’m waiting for the fog to disappear so I can see or am I not suppose to see where it leads. Do I just have to trust in my heart to lead me where should I go.
Today or tomorrow or the day after, I will start somehow. I will be able to know where I should go at this crossroad of mine.

Thanks to a friend who asked me about this blog. I decided I should write again. It helps me a lot to get by without bothering anyone. Well, if you’ll be reading this, I probably didn’t force you, so technically I’m not bothering you. Haha.

It’s been awhile since I last sat down and wrote something, a poem or prose or anywhere near that. I think I need to regain my creative juices. I would like to write a story again but thinking about a good topic would take up so much of my brain power. Haha.

Today, I’ve been employed for 10 1/2 months. One and half month to go and it’s been a year since I started working and started earning my own money.

So many things have happened, including my hospitalization and operation, which really shook our family. Who would have thought that I would have tumor in my right ovary? That they have to remove it to save my life? That I have to leave from work for a month? That I was able to come back again? All was a shock. But I think… I believe that everything that happened was in God’s plan. He should have known I could get by, my family could get by anyhow.

I was so stressed last week at work that my body is already reacting badly. But somehow, for the past few days, I am fine. I don’t feel so stressed anymore or so I thought. I just hope that all things will continue to go as it was planned.

I don’t know what really is happening lately. I hate her. Why does she have to be perfect and everybody loves her. Even if I work hard, it doesn’t seem to matter. They still like her more just because she’s pretty. She even flirted with someone she knew I really like. And now, she’s bothered because the guy seems to like her. I hate it. I hate that I am insecure. I miss the me who is confident and doesn’t care what others think. I miss college. I miss my friends. I need them. I love my job but things are just getting out of hand. I feel so incompetent sometimes. She’s wants to do all the work and I am left with nothing. I hate being this way. I want positive energies. Positive energies.